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Dave Armstrong is a playwright and satirist based in Wellington.
OPINION/SATIRE: New Zealand’s latest foreign policy actions are grabbing the attention of the world. Just last week, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern raised concerns that Canada was breaking its promises on dairy imports and not living up to its CPTPP (Trans-Pacific Partnership) commitments.
Ardern spoke to Justin Trudeau face-to-face on the issue, and said that it could still not be resolved, which, according to diplomatic observers, roughly translates as “he said get lost, Kiwi”. It is not known whether the two leaders will continue to share photos of their kids and their electric cars with each other, such is the seriousness of the incident.
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Dave Armstrong: “[Jacinda] Ardern spoke to Justin Trudeau face-to-face on the issue, and said that it could still not be resolved, which, according to diplomatic observers, roughly translates as “he said get lost, Kiwi”.
“We were so furious at Canada’s blatant refusal to play by the rules,” said Mfat spokesperson Celia Contretemps, “that we almost said something”.
The Government has also taken the highly provocative step of asking a panel to look at whether Canada was living up to its CPTPP commitments with its dairy imports. This sent shockwaves through the Canadian dairy industry. “Not the panel, please, not the panel!” screamed Quebec dairy farmer Jacques Fonterrer. “We know that a panel could lead to a subcommittee, then an inquiry and then there could even be a communique. The very thought of Damien O’Connor angrily addressing a CPTPP subcommittee strikes fear into our hearts.”
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But it’s not just Canada with whom New Zealand is getting tough. “If America tries the same dirty dairy tricks, we have an entire arsenal of diplomatic weapons,” said Mfat spokesperson Mason Milquetoast. “These include withholding complimentary tickets to any Lorde performances in the US and calling the president Sleepy Joe on Twitter.”
Russia’s illegal invasion of Ukraine has also seen tough recent actions from New Zealand. Though New Zealand has not expelled the ambassador or closed down the embassy, Mfat sources say that no Russian diplomats have been invited to the usual end-of-year diplomatic celebrations, and if their children turn up to the Christmas party, they will only receive improving books as gifts from Santa, and no sweets.
According to the Mfat website, New Zealand is also making available to the Ukraine armed forces “a range of ‘non-lethal defence’ equipment at their request”. “Given the current state of our armed forces,” said defence spokesperson Gloria Geribilt, “I would say almost 95% of our military equipment, including most of our weapons, are non-lethal, so we could just about offer them the lot.”
But it’s not just non-lethal weapons that New Zealand is throwing at the Russians. According to Geribilt, “this government has more non-lethal motions, condemnations, consultations, resolutions, national statements and pathways to resolution than you can shake an obsolete frigate at. If we can’t bomb the Russians out of Ukraine, we can at least bore them rigid and make them sleepwalk back to Moscow.”
Tom Lee/Stuff
Major trading partner China is also quaking in its boots at the tough sanctions New Zealand is likely to impose as the superpower expands through the Pacific …. a Chinese delegation only got to shear a sheep at the Agrodome for 10 minutes instead of the usual 30, writes Dave Armstrong.
The Russians have accused the Kiwis of unfairly singling them out. “That is simply not true,” said Mfat Russian expert Vladimir Effov, “yes, we are treating Russia harshly, but in exactly the same way as we’d treat any nation not on our top 20 list of trading partners.”
The Greens said on radio they totally supported sending arms to the Ukrainians but then retracted this as they thought the interviewer said “alms”. They also support sending kind thoughts and good vibes to Ukraine.
However, it’s not just Russia feeling the wrath of New Zealand’s militant foreign policy. Despite repeated requests from New Zealand over Australia’s harsh and discriminatory “501s” policy to deport New Zealand citizens for relatively minor crimes, Australia has refused to budge.
“We’re getting tough,“ said NZ High Commission officer Ossie Dinkham-Faire. “We didn’t send commiserations when they were knocked out of the Women’s Rugby World Cup, and we’ve instructed all our embassy staff in Qatar to cheer for whoever is playing against the Socceroos.”
Major trading partner China is also quaking in its boots at the tough sanctions New Zealand is likely to impose as the superpower expands through the Pacific. At a welcome for a recent visiting agricultural trade mission to Rotorua, the Chinese delegation only got to shear a sheep at the Agrodome for 10 minutes instead of the usual 30. “We really showed them that we mean business,” said a gleeful Mfat official.
Jericho Rock-Archer/Stuff
Dave Armstrong: “My biggest worry is that if cuts are made, they will be on physical infrastructure and not areas – especially management and communications – which could do with a look.”
And it’s not just Labour getting tough, so is National. Though John Key has recently praised aspects of China’s totalitarian regime, the new leadership is having none of it. “Let me make it clear that we have no truck with the Chinese Communist Party (CCP),” said Dwight ‘Whitey’ Whiteford, the newly selected National candidate for the Waitemata seat. “There are very few members from minority groups in the CCP, most of their members are establishment middle-aged men, and some of their representatives have very shady pasts. The National Party has nothing in common with people like that.”
Whatever the outcome of the next election, foreign affairs watchers all agree that by its latest actions, New Zealand has sent a clear message to world: “We will not be messed with – if that’s all right with everyone.”